Freedom & Fireworks

Watching "fire" on the 4th of July at the back door

I wondered when I was going to get here, to the place where I truly believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. I'm there, here, wherever this place is. Ah, I know...it's a place called "peace". I had an encounter with God this weekend that solidified and confirmed so much for me. I feel the need to share it to encourage others to trust the process. Trust Him.

This weekend at my church we had a freedom conference led by a minister whose reputation precedes her. I've known about her for a while through friends. Her name is Dr. Rebecca Bennett, out of Gulfport, MS. I briefly met her on New Years Eve as she and her husband came to lead worship to bring in the new year. I know she is well-versed and experienced in deliverance and inner healing. I know she's familiar with special needs children. The last time I met her, Harrison was very antsy and I panicked and forgot to ask for prayer for him. To fill the reader in, my kid has been prayed for, had hands laid on him, been anointed by me more times than I can count. Dan Mohler has laid hands on him twice, praying for healing. Others that have seen miracles through their own healing ministries have prayed for him on several occasions. And yet, when someone new comes, I make a bee-line for them and request prayer for my son. They've all said the same thing, Harrison is going to be healed. They've blessed my son and ministered to his spirit as well, confirming the word God gave me about Harrison's healing being legit, and yet...when a new minister comes, there I am tracking them down in the church with a 40+ pound kid in tow.

So there I stood, already having spoken to someone highly regarded on Rebecca's team about Harrison, explaining that he wouldn't be present the following day and that I would like for him to receive prayer that night. She agreed and we decided after the teaching that night to pray for Harrison. I saw it in my mind as it's always gone down, a circle of elders and those with big faith that want to see the miracle gathering around my son and praying while the lead minister releases healing and blessing over him. That's not how it went this time. I eagerly collected Harrison from the childcare room and went to find my new friend with whom I'd discussed prayer. She was in conversation with someone else. I could feel myself getting anxious, knowing that at any moment he's going to want down out of my arms or start fussing, much less throw a tantrum. I waited and waited. I felt silly but God told me to keep waiting. Then she got pulled into the lobby and got caught up at the book table, helping people check out. "Oh no! This is going to take forever! He's not going to last much longer!", I thought to myself.

That's when Holy Spirit started speaking to me, "Haven't I already told you he's going to be healed? Haven't I already told you it's done and it's coming? How many ministers does it take to pray for something I've already said is going to happen? Where's your faith, girl? " I heard him loud and clear, agreed with it all... and yet I was still getting this prayer. I had to. What if??? What if this time is different and there's a tangible shift and Harrison starts speaking full sentences or rattling off a soliloquy of everything he hasn't been able to say for years?! For the sake of "what if" I stood there and waited. I mentally reminded the Holy Spirit of the persistent widow in Luke. (Hey, there's biblical basis for this persistence, and if I'm anything it is persistent.)

Jesus Gives a Parable about Prayer

Luke 18:1-8 TPT

1One day Jesus taught the apostles to keep praying and never stop or lose hope. He shared with them this illustration:

2“In a certain town there was a judge, a thick-skinned and godless man who had no fear of others’ opinions. 3And in the same town there was a poor widow who kept pleading with the judge, ‘Grant me justice and protect me from my oppressor!’

4-5“He ignored her pleas for quite some time, but she kept asking. Eventually he said to himself, ‘This widow keeps annoying me, demanding her rights, and I’m tired of listening to her. Even though I’m not a religious man, and I don’t care about the opinions of others, I’ll get her off my back by answering her claims for justice and I’ll rule in her favor. Then she’ll leave me alone.’ ”

6Jesus continued, “Did you hear what the godless judge said—that he would answer her persistent request? 7Don’t you know that God, the true judge, will grant justice to all his chosen ones who cry out to him night and day? He will pour out his Spirit upon them. He will not delay to answer you and give you what you ask for. 8God will give swift justice to those who don’t give up. So be ever praying, ever expecting, in the same way as the widow. Even so, when the Son of Man comes back, will he find this kind of undying faith on earth?”

Back to my story: Mrs. Barbara, one of my spiritual mentors noticed me standing there holding Harrison. She was talking to the keynote minister. Rebecca was eating a piece of cake and looked exhausted. (They had traveled hours to get to us then she taught for 3 hours.) I felt bad and didn't want to impose, after all I had discussed prayer for Harrison with someone on her team, not her. She wasn't aware I was waiting for anything. Mrs. Barbara read my face and noticed Harrison getting restless in my arms. I mouthed, "I'm waiting for prayer." She didn't hesitate to ask the Rebecca to pray for Harrison. Of course, she obliged. She asked what we had going on and I spouted off a quick list of our diagnoses. She said, "I've spoken to you before." I replied, "Yes ma'am, briefly." She asked if Harrison would let her touch him and I told her I didn't know but she could try. She held the plate with her unfinished cake on it, and whispered commands in a pleasant tone. Mrs. Barbara laid hands on me and Harrison and started praying too. Rebecca looked at Harrison and told him twice, "Jesus loves you." And that was it. The prayer took less than 30 seconds. It was so quick, Mrs. Barbara whispered, "Did she pray?" I looked at her with wide eyes and said, "Yes, I think so." (Hahahaha! Boy has God used this to teach me a thing or two about what prayer can look like!) We said our good-byes and walked to the car.

This next part I share so I don't forget and to say, maybe it's something, maybe it's nothing. But if I know anything about spiritual matters, it's usually something. Harrison started saying the word "fi-wor" over and over as we left the church. He was looking up and pointing. He said it all the way home while looking into the sky as if he saw fireworks. I saw no fireworks, nor did I hear any. I wondered if he was saying "flower" or just "fire". I offered those two words to him to see if they were what he was saying. Sometimes if you guess what he's saying, he'll let you know with a laugh or gesture. When we got home, Harrison grabbed my hand and pulled me to the window that we watched fireworks at on the 4th of July. That night I had opened the front window so he could hear the neighbors shoot fireworks and watch them from the safety of the house. He insisted several times this night, several weeks later, that I open the window for "fi-wor". Now THIS left me with new things to ponder. (It's hard to write all of this in chronological order because it was all happening at the same time.)

The whole way home God was talking to me. "Was it what you thought it would be, having someone really experienced in deliverance and inner healing pray for him? She operates a healing room after all. What did you expect?" (All of this in an inquisitive-Fatherly-teaching tone, never condescending as we would associate questions like that being asked in the natural.) Hmmm, what did I expect? And why do I always expect a different outcome? What outcome do I expect, that my son miraculously becomes neurotypical and gains 3 years of cognition in a moment? Surely I do believe that's possible, but is that what God has shown me personally about my son's story? Ehhh, I don't want to put Father in a box so I dare not say what He will or won't do in regards to Harrison and what it will look like. I will say, as much insight into the situation as He's given me, He's told me even I can't comprehend how the healing will ultimately manifest, but to bank on it happening. He left me with many things to mull over, that's for sure.

All that night and the next morning I wondered about the "fireworks". God started talking to me again.

God: "When did Harrison learn about fireworks?"

Me: "The 4th of July."

God: "And why do you shoot fireworks on the 4th of July?"

Me: "We are celebrating our freedom."

FREEDOM.

Harrison has no way of knowing what fireworks mean to us or what they are shot for, he just saw the fireworks and liked them. But I know what they signify...and maybe God was trying to send me a message through my son. "FREEDOM. Harrison is FREE. Healing is happening right here, right now." To be honest, Harrison couldn't even say "fi-wor" on the 4th of July. He called it "fire". I even documented that he was watching "fire" on my FB feed with a picture of him watching the fireworks. And two syllable words are super hard for him but he was saying it. He came up with "firework" this night all on his own. Well, him and God.

After all of this, I went into the rest of the weekend with a full heart and ready to learn. I'd been praying about the ancestral root of some junk that still needed to be dealt with on my bloodline and God gave me a dream that helped me arrive at the answer that night. FEAR has been holding my family back for a really long time. I dealt with FEAR this weekend and told it where to go. Fear (I believe) is the root that doubt and unbelief are attached to. Fear says, "What if it never happens?" "What if God doesn't do it?" "What if I fail?" "What if this, what if that....?" Fear is behind anxiety and panic attacks. It scares us out of being who we were created to be and helps us agree with lies about who we are. Fear creates confusion...confusion about who we are and who God is. FEAR IS A LIAR.

I share all of this about fear because even though I've known what God has said about Harrison for over 2 years now, there's been a part of me inside that is still frantic, "What if He doesn't do it?" "What if I made it all up and didn't hear from God at all?" "What if I'm the crazy one?" But that's all a lie. And now that fear has been outed and thrown into the light of God, I no longer doubt or fear that the healing won't come. And I can finally say that with 100% certainty. My feelings have been reconciled to His words concerning my son. It's going to happen. End of story. This was the shift I needed and I didn't see coming.

There's a new peace about me since dealing with fear this weekend. I can't explain it, but I know it's the peace of Jesus.

“I leave the gift of peace with you—my peace. Not the kind of fragile peace given by the world, but my perfect peace. Don’t yield to fear or be troubled in your hearts—instead, be courageous! John 14:27 TPT

Going into this past weekend, I'd prayed for more faith and for God to "help my unbelief".

He delivered.

FIREWORKS!