In the Pressing...

I haven't written in a while. It's been a whirlwind since this last fall. I spent a lot of time on the mount of transfiguration this winter. I wrote most of it in a journal but I didn't blog any of it. It's good stuff, maybe some of it will end up here one day.

Harrison had his tonsils taken out in December. We really felt like that was our only option with his almost bi-monthly strep infections. We spent majority of 2024 getting a PANDAS diagnosis, questioning that diagnosis, and then riding the rollercoaster of "Is it strep?" every time his behavior seemed off. His behavior was so off for so long, we didn't realize that the kid we'd been seeing wasn't really our kid. He was trapped somewhere in his body and his brain was betraying him thanks to his dysregulated immune system. Fun times! 2024 was a whole riot. I legit have PTSD from it. I can tell...every time I think about taking him into a grocery store or when he doesn't want to come in from outside so I have to pick him up to carry him in and I'm praying he doesn't claw my face or pull my hair or hit me in the back of the head. That happened a lot in 2024. Never knowing when he was going to rage out on me for simply trying to put him in his car seat, going full Linda Blair in various parking lots...that gets etched in your brain and in your nervous system. (No worries, I'm slowly but surely coming down from that heightened state of fight-or-fight-some-more. And Harrison isn't raging to that extent since his tonsillectomy, thank God!) But if I'm being honest, 2024 was very rough on our family and mostly Harrison.

Right now it's early April 2025, and he's been fighting confirmed strep for over a month. (Edit: I saved this as a draft in early April. I'm publishing on April 24, 2025...after 6 wks of antibiotics and we've been prescribed yet another antibiotic.) His behavior came down to a beautiful calm ocean breeze after his tonsils were taken out and around the second week in January the OCD-ish behaviors and TICS started back up. Granted, they aren't as bad as many kids I've read about on the social media forums, but there are tell-tale behaviors he has when his immune system attacks his brain by thinking it's attacking strep. Does he have active strep? I don't think so. Does he have lingering behaviors due to brain inflammation? Likely. Is there a good way to know one way or the other? No. He's had strep before and not tested positive on a throat culture. So here we are, or here I am, I should say...fixated on every nuance of his behavior, researching, analyzing, guessing, treating, and praying.

Oh yeah, that's where this is going. There's been a lot of praying since PANDAS joined the club. I just thought non-verbal autism with sides of sensory processing disorder and ADHD were bad. PANDAS makes that look like a walk in the park. But I say all of that to let you know one thing I have figured out for sure. This life we're living can't be done without Jesus. I can tell you that I depend on him every hour of every day to help me make decisions, keep me sane, keep me peaceful, and trust that all of this will end one day. It just has to. It will. He's told me it will.

There are days where I question if I'm delusional for thinking that. The word He gave me about my son's healing wasn't written in the sky by an airplane, so no one else saw it or heard it. It was whispered to me in the depths of my brokenness, when I was as far away from Him as I'd ever run before. (This is not where I set out to go when I started writing but this is where we're going apparently.) I've said it in this space several times and I'll keep saying it because He keeps reminding me...or I keep asking Him to remind me, one or the other. (depends on the day) Riding in my car from work, I'll whisper, "Tell me again." And He will tell me again, "Harrison will be healed. Trust Me. Keep going. Keep pressing." I can't tell you how many times in the past several months He has said to me, "Keep pressing".

It's in the pressing that wine is made from grapes and oil is made from olives. (I don't even like olives.) Both new wine and olive oil represent what God births in us through pressure. Wine comes from crushed grapes. Oil comes from crushed olives. The bible speaks of wine presses and oil presses. Gethsemane, where Jesus prayed until He sweat blood means "oil press". Go figure. Both of these were crushed and pressed and transformed into something more valuable. Wine is more valuable than a bunch of grapes just as olive oil is move valuable and versatile than olives alone. But the process, isn't that valuable too? It's painful, no doubt. I can personally attest to the pain. I've cried out many nights, falling asleep feeling betrayed at times because of this pressing. There are times it's felt like it would kill me. But then, there's Jesus. He's right there with me in the pressing, urging me forward, keeping my eyes locked with His. I would not be able to endure this life without Him, I know that for certain now. I think often, how I don't know how any special needs family is still standing and breathing if they don't know Jesus. He's literally how I'm breathing most days. And in this process of crushing, I've found Him for real. It's not the head-knowledge of Jesus, but heart-knowledge of Jesus...the experiential, intimate, relational, He's-wiped-my-tears-away knowledge. And that's worth the whole process. For that I can be grateful for the process. For this "ginosko" as it's referred to in the Bible, I'm forever changed. I know Jesus now. He's always with me, in the car, walking the halls of my work, in my closet late at night whispering, "You will bend but you won't break, keep pressing."

So, if you need some encouragement today, keep going, keep pressing. Every storm has to end and when it does, what's left is an anointing, a rich and valuable oil that can be used for others to bring a healing word, hug, or "I've been there, you're gonna make it".

Friends, we're gonna make it. Keep pressing.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10

(Medical sidenote: As of April 24, 2025, we're being referred by our ENT for a CT of Harrison's sinuses and also to Immunology. I've asked Jesus, "Really?" and His answer was, "It's necessary." He is with us, I trust Him, and all prayers are appreciated.)