Walking by Faith Ain't Easy

It’s 2025. So much has happened since my last blog in August. I’d be lying if I said depression hadn't been trying it’s best to creep in and sit on top of me. With God’s grace, depression had to go. It just had to. I don’t have time for heaviness, sadness, regret, anger…any of it. They tried their best to slow me down but my joy has been restored and my resolve has been renewed.

Harrison was in a PANS/PANDAS flare from the end of July until December 5 when we were finally able to have his tonsils removed. To be honest, he was in a PANS/PANDAS flare most of 2024. We had NO idea how much of his behavior the flare had been causing until we got a reprieve. We saw some light at the end of the tunnel. We got a glimpse of our child that we didn’t know was in there. His behavior drastically improved. The rage dissipated. The OCD and inability to be redirected decreased almost to zero. His speech improved, eye contact improved, focus improved. Harrison’s tonsillectomy was life-changing if you ask me and my husband. We only had 3-4 weeks of that before this new round of viral pathogens hit so we’re currently riding the wave of up and down behavior and cold symptoms, but still…it’s drastically improved from the chronic strep he was fighting.

The behaviors we faced for months made the days long, nights long, months long. Mentally I needed to numb myself, hide, hunker down and just “survive” until something got better. I didn't know if anything would get better, to be honest. It did, thank God. No seriously, thank GOD!

We’re still in the process of doing more testing, an updated OATS and gut microbiome tests that will hopefully get us closer to a more manageable baseline. The goal for 2025 is to help Harrison’s immune system heal. These things take time…and money. As much as I want so desperately for God to just say the word and Harrison’s healing come completely in the blink of an eye, it’s not looking like that’s the case. I can whine and complain about it, or I can accept that God is ultimately in control. Proverbs 19:21 tells me,

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Who am I to argue with God? Who am I to question His purposes for all of this? I know that Romans 8:28 tells me,

"And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, {those} who have been called according to His purposes..."

That verse gives me hope. I do love God. This entire process has taught me to pray, and pray more, seek, and seek further, ask, and keep asking. It's taught me that the world doesn't revolve around me, but that I can revolve around His world if I just give up my own will and let Him use me as He sees fit. I mean, isn't that what I'm here for after all?

Don't get me wrong, this ain't easy. Walking by faith isn't a cake walk for the newbie like me. I'm currently in the middle of a season where I know where He's sending me but I can't see how it will all work. I know He's given me a puzzle to put together but I don't have all of the pieces yet. I'm not being required to solve the puzzle, that's His job. I'm only required to pay attention and take the pieces as they are moved into my hands and put them where He tells me they go to build the picture for others to see. I have to wake up every day and TRUST that on any given day, I'll get a new piece...something will move into place that's not currently there. I have to blindly trust that this time next year, I'll see how it's going to work. Right now, I only know that He's sending me in. I can't see how that will work with my family, how it will impact my son, or any of it. This is walking by faith, not by sight and to be honest...it's scary. "For we walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

I have to trust His character of being a good Father and not what my eyes currently see and what history speaks to me. At this point, I'm not allowed to manage any of this situation, else I could get in His way and mess up something He's trying to do. My only option as I see it is to trust if He's called me to something, He will make a way where there is no way right now.

"This is what the Lord says- He who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, who drew out the chariots and the horses, the army and reinforcements together, and they lay there, never to rise again, extinguished, snuffed out like a wick: 'Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.' (Isaiah 43:16-19)

That's what walking by faith feels like. It feels like you've got an army coming up behind you quickly and an ocean in front of you with no way out to the left or right. You've been told you're going to the land across the ocean but you've got no boat, just your belongings and a baby in your arms. Well, in this case the baby is a 50lb toddler with a mean right hook, but still. This is what walking by faith looks like. If the sea parts too soon, you get to cross but your enemy survives. He's going to wait until the most damage to the opposition can be done before He parts that water. And as the walls of water stretch above your head while you cross to the other side, the enemy pursues arrogantly, not even taking into account that the miracle is for you, not them. In my situation, the enemy isn't people but a plan to steal my son's destiny and livelihood. This infirmity/assignment/plan from hell arrogantly continues to chase us, even as we step foot into the sea bed which previously housed an ocean. The enemy will be drowned in my life as it was for the Israelites. I claim that level of deliverance for my family and will continue to speak it until I see the horses and chariots destroyed behind me. This is the walk of faith. It may look delusional to most but I don't have time to worry about naysayers. Let them say "nay". I say, Harrison Stough "will not die, but will live and declare the works of the Lord." Psalm 118:17 **(die here meaning failure to thrive or live up to his God-given potential and destiny)

This blog isn't for everyone, I know that. But if it gives even one parent the courage to look into the face of what seems like an impossible situation and reject what the doctors and tests and professionals say is possible, then I'll keep writing. The timestamps on these entries are keeping record in the middle of this miracle that God is working in my family. Part of the puzzle is writing this blog for those that will come after me and need encouragement. It looks like God has me dropping a bread crumb trail of faith as I walk this out with Him. If I'm gonna be in this place, I might as well do the work He has for me. After all, the Bible says, "Many are called, but few are chosen." Matthew 22:14. I guess that should reassure me, huh? (insert sideways eyeball emoji here) Until next time, keep the faith! Choose God. Jesus heals. Dig deeper. The ocean will part when it's time.