It's ALL Part of the Plan

I’ve had 3 psychological questionnaires on my desk for weeks now. They are for Harrison. He is being assessed for his cognition and IQ later this month. I dread these questionnaires. He’s 5 now, so I’ve filled out a few of them in the past few years. In fact, any time your kid is evaluated for a new therapy or service, you have to answer a ton of questions about their abilities. When you have a kid with significant delay, usually the answer to the question is “no”. When the questionnaire has 100 items on it, saying “no” over and over again really wears on you.

                If I’m honest, it’s depressing. Historically, it’s really gotten me down. That’s probably why I’ve avoided these assessments like the plague. I filled one out a few weeks ago, remembered how much I hate them and then shoved the other two under my Bible. Week after week I look at them and think, “I gotta do those.” And week after week I don’t.

                I made myself do them today. They have to be done, so this buttercup had to suck it up! It’s not as bad as it used to be. Yes, Harrison has made some progress, but for the most part our progress doesn’t show on these types of assessments. So, I had a lot of “no’s” to the stuff he isn’t doing yet. And I had a lot of “yes’s” to the abnormal or autistic behaviors that they are evaluating for. Truthfully, the first few times I had to fill these out, I’d get down for days. It’s humbling, admitting your kid isn’t doing things his peers are doing on paper. It’s also eye-opening because you’re in the thick of it day in and day out, mostly in survival mode. You don’t stop to think, “Does my kid point to 5 objects and name them?” during the chaos. You’re busy trying to keep him from swinging on the chandelier (true story…true, true story) and wiping cheese dip off the couch again. So responding to individual milestones with a “yes” or “no” that a stranger is going to use to assess your child, yeah, that’s not fun. Anyone that enjoys these is a better human than me.

                This time isn't as bad, though. The reason for that must be because I have hope. I do, I have so much hope for Harrison. I ask "why" still sometimes. Why do we have to do this? Today I took a break from the questionnaires and I took a quick walk and prayed, “Father, let this be for something. Let all of this be for something in Your kingdom. Let every therapy session, evaluation, assessment, lab, diagnosis, struggle, triumph, setback…let them all be for Your glory. I can stomach it then somehow, God, if I know You’re going to use all of this for something bigger than what I can see.” That was my prayer. It was a simple prayer, but it gave me peace. Peace I can’t buy and peace the world can’t give me, so I know He heard my prayer. Romans 8:28 tells me that “He causes all things to work together for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose for them”. He CAUSES all things to work together, the good and the bad, for those that love Him. I can’t help but love Him. He’s set me free from so much bondage, how could I not? He’s blessed me with my husband and my beautiful boys, a roof over my head, food in my belly, a stable job. I have no reason not to love God. So I hold that Scripture close, like a life raft really.

                I’ve said a little in previous posts about how God has told me Harrison is going to be healed. Some would correct me and say he’s healed now. That’s kinda splitting hairs as to the concept of time in God’s kingdom and most people reading this probably don’t want to dive that deep, so for simplicity I speak as it is in the future because I haven’t seen it with my natural eyes yet. YET. One thing God has told me about these assessments and all the motions we have to go through is that they are needed for documentation. How can there be a healing if there’s no concrete evidence of a need for healing? If Harrison never had an autism diagnosis and then all of the sudden started acting typical for his age, people would just be able to say, “He was just a late bloomer”. People love to rationalize and downplay the extraordinary. So how do you prove a miracle has happened? How do you prove someone is healed. You have tests when they are sick, or in our case significantly delayed. And then you have tests showing the opposite. We’re just in the first part of this testimony, getting the foundation poured to support the case for a miracle. Being able to understand and see this gives me so much patience and peace. Oh, and we will get our miracle. Man says there’s no cure for autism and PANDAS is mostly unrecognized by conventional medicine. But, God says, “I AM”. (Exodus 3:14) He is the great I AM. That's all I need to know. He is and I'm His kid.

                Will the miracle happen overnight? I don’t know. We could wake up one day and Harrison be healed. His stomach, immune system, and parts of the brain affected by autism and PANDAS could function properly and that be that. Boy, wouldn’t that be something?! Right now I bless the name of God who could do just that! I praise Him because He is capable! And if that’s not the case, if it takes years, even still…He is worthy to be praised! He holds the keys we need to unlock our child from the grip of all that comes against him, so I can’t be angry or upset with God. That doesn't do me or Harrison any good. Instead, I take the attitude expressed in Exodus 5:11, “Who among the gods is like You, O Lord? Who is like You – majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?” And I know I can trust that He will give me the goodness of His love. “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11) If we’ve got to walk through the fire, better to smile while doing it than be mad, right?

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The Lord has done great things for them." (Psalm 126:)