When Life Gives You a Black Eye...

I think I'm ready to talk about it now, how I got my black eye.

First, let me say I'm not sharing any of this for attention or pity. I want neither. A black eye will get you plenty of attention. I want to share to let other parents know they aren't alone. I want to share to shed light on what it's really like to parent a child with explosive tendencies, that can't communicate appropriately. I want to share because where there is light, there can be no darkness.

For some reason, Harrison is on a "destroy the tv" kick. He has seen a TikTok video under "funny dogs" where a Husky jumps up on a tv and it shatters. He thinks that video is hysterical. We, as his parents, do not think that video is funny and have had to get him off of watching funny dogs completely. (He's also on a "break everything that's glass kick, so we're completely out of coffee mugs and every glass we had in the house. Even the ones hidden up high, he's managed to get to and shatter on purpose.)

Last week we were home due to illness at his therapy office and after playing by himself for about 15 minutes in his room, he came out and started slapping the TV. (I'd had YouTube playing but had paused the video to concentrate on something else and the screen had gone completely black.) I told him to stop and he continued, doubling down on the behavior by trying to throw pillows and other things at the TV. I got him into our bedroom where the TV is already busted. (Two weeks prior he managed to completely tip over our dresser and that TV was destroyed.) He was throwing things at the broken TV so I decided to restrain him and apply deep pressure to give him some proprioceptive input. I had him in a pretty tight momma-bear-hug when he head-butted me with the back of his head. I let him go and sat up and my vision was blurred. I ran to the mirror and knew what I was looking at was probably going to be bad. I went out of the bedroom and called a friend. "What do I do?! He just gave me a black eye!" While she was telling me to put a frozen spoon on my face, Harrison located a glass salt grinder on the counter. He grabbed it and before I could get it from him, he hurled it PURPOSELY at our 80" tv. In slow motion, I watched it land in the middle of the screen, busting it. He seemed intrigued by the damage done to the TV, going up to the TV to touch the screen. Next thing I knew, he's picking up various other things around the living room, hurling them at the already broken TV. An ab wheel. A cup. All colliding with the already smashed TV screen, doing more damage...though the damage was already done.

It's been 6 days since all of this happened. I'm still processing it. I've come to see that some trauma happened that day. The TV is still in it's place, a memorial to that day it seems like. Still busted. We just haven't moved it, and refuse to replace it until we can protect the next one. My eye is still black. Makeup is hiding it better than last week but it's a constant reminder of this moment in time. There's no sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is great when you have a black eye and the TV was destroyed intentionally. I think that's the sad part. Realizing the gravity of the situation, how we are legitimately (it looks and feels like) stuck in time at this moment. Nothing seems like it's progressing. Progress comes in microdoses and then sometimes seems to slip away. He may do something new today that I don't see him do again for 6 months. That is sad. I'm sad for my son and if I'm being honest, here lately I've been sad myself. I want so badly to hug him and shower him with every ounce of my love and have him truly know how much I love him. I want so badly to just play with Harrison, color with him, have normal interactions where communication is reciprocated and understood. I want so badly to connect with him deeper and hear him say things to me, not out of trained repetition but from understanding and desire to communiate with his mom. I want so badly to see him progress, to thrive, to live the life I know God designed for him. This...this is not that life. The life my son lives right now has been hijacked. He's not living his intended life, he's living the life the enemy wants us to succumb and agree to. I WILL NEVER AGREE TO THIS LIFE FOR MY SON!

You see, I know God designed Harrison Stough with a divine destiny that the enemy of his soul has tried to derail. Looking back, I can see how the enemy has been trying his hardest to take my son out since the day he was born. Hell won't succeed but has dealt some blows for sure. And in all of this, God is using the derailment to train me in His ways, His love, and His mercy. I know that I know that I know now...I'm going to see my son healed. God has given me too many crumbs of hope to doubt Him anymore. What unbelief was left in me is now gone and has been replaced with a drive to see this thing through to the end. I will not stop until Harrison Stough is healed, whole, and delivered from EVERYTHING that plagues him, no matter how long it takes. Hell is going to wish it had picked someone else's child when this is all said and done. I speak that into the atmosphere. God is raising not only me up, but many around me...back into their destinies that He ordained for them. And if God says it's done, it's done. And God has said, "IT'S DONE."

This is the part that people need to see, the part of autism that wrecks things, that tears at you (literally), that hijacks lives. Look into the divorce rate of autism familiies. It's STAGGERING. The finanical toll alone is enough to wear a family out. This is SO HARD. IT'S NOT CUTE LIKE CULTURE TRIES TO PAINT IT. AUTISM SUCKS. I hate it. I love my son and I accept him completely, no matter how he shows up for the day, but his autism, I'll never accept it. And that may make many people who are accepting of it mad, but I know the deal behind it. God has shown me the truth about the scheme of the devil when it comes to stealing the lives of this generation and those coming down the line AND I FULLY INTEND TO STAND IN THE DEVIL'S WAY. He's defeated and God has spoken. IT'S DONE. Lord God, YOUR Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

IT'S DONE. AUTISM IS DONE. I'M GOING TO SEE THIS GIANT'S HEAD ROLL, IN MY SON AND IN MANY OTHER CHILDREN. SO LET THIS SERVE NOTICE IN THE SPIRIT, GOD HAS SPOKEN.

AUTISM WILL BEND THE KNEE TO THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,  before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? Numbers 23:19

“Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” 2 Kings 6:16